That inbetweeny bit

Re: my last post.

According to 5 at home pregnancy tests and 1 in hospital blood test I am not pregnant.

My boyfriend and I went to a little restaurant last night to celebrate my supposed clean bill of health. It was so calming to spend time with him outside our living room, dressed smartly, holding hands and talking. I miss loving him like that.

I’m not 100% sure he was on board with the celebrations, but I managed to put those thoughts to the back of my mind. My body was free, my womb uninhabited and my plate full of food. It was the most serene I had felt in 8 weeks.

That’s right. 8 weeks. I am heavier and rounder in my lower limbs. I cry at just about everything. And my breasts are painful and massive (my boyfriend claims this isn’t a problem-dickhead) Naturally, medically, there must be a problem. I know this. I know this.

Why is it social-media-acceptable to post about the joys of finding out you are carrying a child and yet if I were to share my elation at receiving a negative blood test I would surely be met with venom and pitchforks? Why? Why can a photo of a sonogram be congratulated and a photo of a pee stick with only 1 blue line be shunned? Is our generation still of the mind set that woman was created for reproducing only? And that denial of that divine right is heresy?

I have news I want to sing about, I’m the happiest I have been in weeks and yet I’m fearful to tell anyone. I have been wrestling with this issue since I got the long awaited phone call, should I, can I, discuss this news openly with my social media outlets? I can’t be the only one, the only woman who has experienced these feelings. I know I’m not the only one who got the results they were praying for…

Women should be allowed to be grateful (and vocally so) that their bodies aren’t occupied by a microscopic cell ,if that is their choice.

I really feel like I’m in a pickle (least not because I’m still waiting for clarification of my symptoms) I KNOW my emotions have been a mess since early November, and I know I’ve often cried in situations where old me would have been angry and vice versa. It has been hard, very hard especially over Christmas, trying to handle my food and drink like a normal person. I’ve found it difficult fitting into certain clothes (this has opened up old anxiety wounds) I feel like a balloon filled with liquid worry about to burst at any second.

There are only 3 days left of 2017 and I have to admit I’m not actually happy its over. Things have been so shit this year, I really want them to have a chance of getting better before a new year gets it’s claws into me. I wonder what my friend will do for NYE. I wonder what he would think about my ‘condition’. There is so much of my life he has no connection with anymore and it gets harder as time goes on to include him. How do you talk to someone you used to know about something as heavy as pregnancy, job redundancy, poverty, depression, a car accident? These are not topics to be handled lightly and thrown absentmindedly into the wind. To me, important personal matters are not to be discussed with any Tom, Dick or Harry (apologies to any Toms, Dicks or Harrys)

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s